Can You Be A Good Mother From 800 Miles Away?

I live 800 miles from my teenage daughter, my only child, and have for over a decade. It’s embarrassing to admit even though circumstances forced my hand. Before I moved, I was a SAHM for six years. I got to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, sing the SpongeBob song ad nauseam, and brush her silky hair. Before it was blue.

I treasured every moment (except her year-long experience with drooling). I had no idea that one day I’d stop seeing her day-to-day as she was growing up.

After her father and I split, I remarried. My current in-laws, promised to give us a house if we moved out-of state to be near them. There had been a 20-estrangement between them and my husband, so everyone was anticipating a “happy ever after.”

I was thrilled to be going to a home where my daughter could go to school and the ocean, both just down the road. My rose-colored glasses were almost purple. Just two weeks before we moved, my ex-husband produced a restraining order saying our daughter would be ripped from her extended family if she left.

He wasn’t going to allow it. We went to mediation, and I received partial custody, sure in my heart she would come to me within the year. Who keeps a child from her mother? He did.       

So, what have I learned? Can I ever forgive myself? Am I ever going back? Will we ever be together again?

Sometimes life doesn’t work out as planned and dynamics are different in every family. But we all have with our own set of beliefs and best practices to make sure our children have a solid foundation to stand on.

What I’ve learned from being a world away from the love of my life

1. You don’t need to be in close proximity to have a deep relationship with your child

I’ve mourned deeply for leaving my daughter no matter what the circumstances were at the time and living in the past hasn’t served me well. To try and have a fulfilling life with such a critical part of myself missing has been an uphill climb.

So I decided to jump in, grab the reins, and do everything I could to make the long-distance relationship not only work, but thrive. 

Things like sending fun mail (confetti anyone?), being the queen of asking questions, and letting her know with all her heart she can tell me anything. She doesn’t hold back. The heart doesn’t have a shut-off valve just because we don’t live in the same zip code. 

Each conversation is one more opportunity for me to teach her even though she’ll be 18 in August and will know everything. Or it’s the chance to listen to what she’s going through in life. Or it’s just because I want to know if she hung that good-smelling thingie in her car yet.

2. I try not to dwell on the things I’ve missed

As the impact shook my insides, the years passed, and I knew I’d need to let go of any vision of a perfect ending. 

I could dwell on it and have a daily breakdown or accept it and do my best with the situation. As the years ticked by, I had plenty of unhealthy moments loathing myself for the choices I made and berating myself for doing something no good mother would do…Leave their child.

But I’ve tried to stay focused on my daughter doing everything in my power to let her know she’s the most important thing in the world to me.

I’ve learned we don’t have to live in the same house to be a family.  

It’s a conscious decision to compartmentalize thoughts that come up like “I wish I had been there for her prom.” What I do is handle it the mature way. By bugging her to death to send her prom pics which included threatening to video call daily until she sent them. Sidebar: I received them the next day after I made good on my promise. 

3. I’ve learned what a good mother really is

Good moms do everything in their power to make life better for their children. An urge we’ve felt since the moment someone said, “You’re pregnant.”

They know their child’s North Star and would chew glass if it meant that would make things easier for them to reach it. No one knows what makes a child tick quite like his or her mother.

There are traits that are universal for every good mom:

• They have bullet-proof devotion to their children.

• Good mothers are constantly learning when to stay close to their child and when to back off.

• “Sacrifice” is their middle name. Their children usually come first.

• A good mom says “I love you” often and shows it constantly.  

• They know their kids won’t fully understand our feelings and decisions unless or until they have children of their own.      

Who my daughter is now?

I do believe I’ve taught her important life lessons. Here are a few that have molded her:

• To do what you love even if it’s working at a gas station.  

• To be inclusive and always welcome all kinds of people into your life. 

• That compassion and empathy are more important than History and Spelling. I homeschooled her for three years and we focused on the mind and the heart and soul.

• To never make fun of someone. It’s cruel, painful, and shows a lack of intelligence.

• I wanted her to have healthy self-esteem, so I never shamed, mocked, or did anything to let her know she wasn’t already a miracle.

No amount of distance could silence the teachings I’ve instilled in her.  

So who and what has she become? Fiercely independent, she’s also an incredible friend to her tribe and has a huge heart. She’s funny, kind, and reliable.  

Note: She happened to be a phenomenal baby, toddler, and little girl as well. I know. Kid jackpot! 

She did hit the tweens early at 9 years old and I was introduced to one of the Holy Grails of the Teenager Kingdom…The eye roll. Despite that, we continued to respectfully communicate with each other. 

And just when I think she hasn’t inherited any of my passions in life, she pulls away in her car the last time I saw her with “Sweet Home Alabama” blaring.   

Can I ever forgive myself for leaving?

Will I ever go back home?

Does living so far away from my child mean I’m an awful parent?

When it Comes to Parenting, Divorce Changes the Conversation